


Sometimes I find that I am not alright

by Cirkne



Series: Breaking Glass [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, Suicidal Yamaguchi, also suicide is viewed as an option, and there's self harm by biting, depressed Yamaguchi, so please don't read if it'll trigger you, stay safe darlings, this one has mentions of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-13 00:54:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2130942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cirkne/pseuds/Cirkne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi's bad days</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sometimes I find that I am not alright

**Author's Note:**

> I watched the new free! episode and needed to make myself feel better because I don't do well with characters who are sad but pretend they're not so here you go
> 
>  
> 
> Title from Fine on the outside by Priscilla Ahn

Yamaguchi wants to be sad. He thinks he's selfish, pathetic for wanting it but he does. Tries to cry even when tears won't come out. He picks at his skin, lays on the floor, wants the pain in his chest to stay because he doesn't deserve anything else. Sometimes when it gets really bad he screams while crying. Bites into a pillow and sobs until it's all better. 

When his tears dry and leave his skin feeling weird he doesn't go to wash his face off. Just lays on the bed and looks at the ceiling. The boy likes knowing he's weak. In some weird way it's soothing. He wears clothes too big on him on the days it gets too hard. Likes feeling small. Like he doesn't deserve taking up space. 

There are times when everything gets too loud. He finds a bathroom in school that people rarely use and sits there feeling the cold of the walls, imagines his blood flowing into the cracks between the floor tiles. He picks at his skin, repeats lyrics of songs he doesn't even like until everything goes quiet again. Until he can hear his own thoughts again.

Sometimes nothing helps. He tells the school's nurse he has a headache. She lets him go home. Yamaguchi finds as many blankets as he can and lays under all of them, feels the weight calm him down. When Tsukishima texts to ask what happened Yamaguchi tells him it's nothing. Kei never replies after that, maybe he thinks Tadashi wants to be left alone when the boy just wants someone to be there. He never knew how to say things like that though. So he deals with it himself, plays loud music to tune out his own thoughts.

Yamaguchi hates himself, it should be that simple but it's not. It never is. He closes his eyes and prays that he doesn't wake up. Feels pathetic because that's the closest he comes to actually dying. Tells himself he'll end it when it gets too hard but knows he will never be brave enough.

Tadashi bites his hands, sinks his teeth into them until he's shaking and crying, until nothing feels real anymore. It's his way of coping, his way of making it all better but it never is. Yamaguchi wants to be sad because that's the only emotion he can feel fully. Others are just shadows of the real ones.


End file.
